And here I don't know whether to let myself fall in love knowing I'll hurt myself in the process, or to run away screaming right now, save myself, and live with couldhavebeens. the second options sound pretty sweet, and i'm pretty sure i can tlk myself into it. Kate always said that's it's best to stop while you're ahead, expecially in these kinds of situations. Because then afterwards, you can look back to sweet memories unmarred by the bitter shadows of the upcoming heartbreak. You can just call it off in the middle and say "Well, that was fun."
But I am not looking for fun. If I were, I'd just... what? I can do plenty of other things. just not this. This is too risky to choose just to have "fun".
I tell myself I'm just playing because I know he is, even as he says otherwise. And even as he says so I die a little inside because...
not really because i am second best, but because i'm not even second best. knowing that after all this shit, after i have given up everything he still would never have thought of me as worth it, or even worth very much at all.
because in the end i would have again given my all in exchange for a couple of very much regretted memories.